“Your life is up to you.”
words from, Girl Wash Your Face
My life is up to me? What a terrible fate lies ahead of me then.
For years, I was always pounded by the notorious bible passage Jeremiah 29:11, “For I know the pans I have for you…” It was my every breath. My living will and testament. And as a Christian I never allowed myself to assume control of any aspect of my life. To me, it was a sin. Nearly blasphemous. However, amidst the fragile fragments of what my life currently is I may have saw these words as freeing.
So in saying this you can better understand this next paragraph.
This overly sensualize 6-letter phrase bombarded me with the depth of two opposite emotions. Aggressive refusal. Child-like wonder. Last night I laid on my freshly made bed with sheets overdue for a wash and began reading a book I hope will change my life forever. As my white wire string-lights beamed in anticipation of the phrase it foreknew I fell into a trance. Immersed in fear and hopefulness I sank. Afraid that by believing, “Your life is up to you,” I would be dishonoring every narrative glued to the membrane of my belief. Although, hopeful that I have finally, finally, found the antidote for this mundane, pitiful, dramatically exhausting life I’ve been hurled within.
This is my outlet.
Why do this?
- Figure out what Purpose is? Then to find mine.
- Ventilation, Meditation, Correlation
- How to control my life again?
You and only you are responsible for who you become and how happy you are.
My ultimate goal for this blog is to be open and vulnerable, even through it hurts. This is my space of confident insecurity with real names and a range of real problems.
What are you in to?
Everyday my new mission is to answer a part of this profound question. In this search some days I will feel like I’ve ended the manhunt; other days I will find my cheeks raining droplets of defeat. But, as I am learning, every day I will wake up and try again and again, over and over.
As a young girl my life was distinctly different. That’s how I’d prefer to describe it, because a load of shit would be too strong. Among the multitude of gut-wrenching experiences lies a reason, a purpose, the meaning that everyone (even myself) has used as a phrase for flat-line encouragement for some poor sorrow-filled soul.
Well this, this blog, is another avenue in my endeavor to unmask purpose.
Your life is suppose to be a journey, from one unique destination to another.
from, Girl Wash Your Face
But to answer the question. What I have for now is, I am in too deep.
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